03/02/2023
Battling out my insecurities...
: journaling 101...page 1.
It's really heavy sometimes...when you look upon the countenance of the most High, His countenance is so incredible that you see your reflection as though you might be looking into a mirror...from afar to look upon Him you can see a physicality in the image which we walk albeit He is in perfect form and without blemish...and His countenance is brilliant in ways that I'd never presume to attempt to describe, because terms like "unadulterated light" fall sorely shy in bringing justice to His face which isnt like ours; a sore byproduct of the fall of man being that the devil stole our identity in God, so His unadulterated countenance remains a thing we will only receive once we come back into glorification by re-entry into heaven and reception of our glorified body...
And as you draw close into Him, in approach to His throne were you to look into His face there lies a mirror image of you looking back...never to say that you ARE God because it is your face looking back to you when you draw focus into His countenance -in fact that is one thing that gave lucifer such pride upon his fall...the fact that when he looked into the face of Elohim, he saw his reflection looking back- though it is curious to be able to focus on and study the face of God most High because what happens is that it isn't only like a mirror into which you look, but is it one that by default of His perfection shows you your every flaw...being created in the Creator's image, to look upon Him you're drawn into the deepest spiritual deduction by gaining understanding of your very fallen nature, and that painful realization causes a man to delve into the deepest state of repentance at a heart and spirit level as by His conviction through His Holy Spirit, you become drawn into the utmost depths of discipleship with and by His Word, Yeshua...
I find such a gentle solace there, entirely unlike anything in, above or below all of creation...because it is when I am before Him that I feel the utmost peace where the world literally dissolves...though at times I find myself averting my eyes which is curious...when I know that I am slipping spiritually, I'll look into His face to see the state of my countenance in His perspective and gain understanding of where I am in need of repentance, and then when I just need my Daddy, I find myself laying across His lap as He pats my back, or I curl up to His chest in a warmth and comfort that envelopes me at the deepest spiritual level...at the deepest physical level...at the utmost emotional level...so often as I walk through life in the physical, in society which is so sorely removed from all semblance of God, I find people taking pop shots at me without them even knowing they're doing so, and I also find those people taking pop shots at me who know they're doing it...I get beat down and mentally bloodied, and spiritually battered by people so deeply lost that they entirely fail to realize that they're even lost and with the incredible understanding that God has graced me with, I carry a truly heavy burden...and by no means do I mean that the gifts which God gives are heavy or burdensome, but that with such powerful and gorgeous perspective, when I look at those so lost in the world I tend to feel a heavy grief by the understanding of the sheer numbers to be lost when the great and terrible day of the Lord hits...not even to mention how bad my feelings get hurt on such a consistent daily basis...I find so often that as I push my pen into motion, the words which I speak are those of someone in pain and I wonder why I cant write something happy...something cheery and uppity...but then I remember that I write from my heart and I speak from a mind which is driven by Spirit and the world in which I currently reside is truly the valley of the shadow of death and with such a heavenly mindset, how can I even muster a smile let alone a poem or a psalm that conveys anything at all but the pain that I feel for the sad state of things? And it is in those moments of being wound up and beat down by a merciless mass of people astray that I find myself driven into the spirit to the feet of the risen Messiah and before my Daddy in the throne room and onto His lap where the world disappears and He pats my back as I battle out my insecurities and shed the tears that nobody sees and speak the words that nobody hears and relieve a heavy heart that none but God can release...
To look at me you'd never guess it...you'd never tie me to the term "son of God" and that would be solely because of your misjudgment based on a mistake in understanding of character because you only see my skin and not my heart...most often than not, I'm not even afforded the opportunity to speak even a fraction of my mind which causes me to fall so sorely into self doubt and unending questions of sanity because it is when I am able to open up unobstructed that I am able to revisit all that I've seen and done...it is when I'm given open format to speak freely that I remember the incredible graces which God has allowed me and the doubt and all that comes with it literally melts away...what can I say...what other reason would I have to go by the name Tst5/testify if not to do so to the mighty glory of God in Jesus name...
As the perspective of the world continues to skew, and the bombardment of insult is spoken by the lost continues, I find one ultimate consistency through it all...and that consistency is that regardless of the noise and the haste of the world, all I have to do to escape is close my physical eyes, and open my spiritual eyes, foot level to Yeshua who is Messiah, and there I am before my Daddy in the throne room where I know without a doubt that He looks forward to patting and rubbing my back, and allowing me a solace I'm not afforded anywhere else...(Tst5)
